Let Boredom Ring!
by PapillonStar
Summary: From Angelfire's "You know you have too much free time when..." list. Nosedive gets bored!!


Back to comedy! Yeah!

Shout out to Angelfire! She made a list called "You Know You Have To Much Free Time When…" here on ff.net of the things Nosedive deems fun. Well, I took some of the ideas and turned them into a fic! So, she gets credit!! YAY ANGELFIRE!!! (applause) Go read her list! 

Disclaimer: I don't own the Ducks. (Simple, yet effective. I like it!)

**Let Boredom Ring!**

Nosedive sighed as he oozed off the couch. It was one-thirty in the afternoon and he was bored out of his skull. The team was off doing their usual ducky-things, and there was nothing on TV save Spanish soap operas. And even though Pedro's affair with María was interesting, it was also boring. He slid off the couch. What could he possibly do?

He got up and wandered out of the room in search of fun.

"Well, we could try and draw their defense out to the right, and Nosedive could take the puck around to left, and then shoot," said Wildwing, drawing on his paper.

Mallory nodded. "Hmm…that could work. Assuming the defense follows Duke or I."

"If not, we'll have a plan B…" replied Wildwing.

The doors opened. The two Ducks turned to see who was there, but no one was. Then a high-heeled leg appeared from outside of the door. Nosedive stepped into the room. 

He was wearing Mallory's burgundy mini-skirt and matching jacket with a black blouse underneath.  He had black pantyhose on and black heels. He had several rings, bracelets, and necklaces on. He had a fancy purse over his shoulder and his hair was done up in a high ponytail. He proceeded to walk around the room like a fashion model. He stopped at the table where his brother and teammate were staring at him.

"What the…" stuttered Wildwing.

"HEY! That's _my_ stuff!" shouted Mallory. Nosedive struck a model-pose.

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful," he said, trying to sound sexy.

"Too late!" Mallory said, jumping up. Nosedive screamed and tried to run away. He scrambled out the door, Mallory charging after him. Wildwing shook his head.

"AHH!! I CAN'T RUN IN HEELS!!" he heard from down the hallway. He sighed.

Nosedive slumped onto the floor. He was in his bathroom trying to get out of the pantyhose. _How do chicks wear these things?_ he thought, struggling. After ten minutes of fighting the clothes, he pulled his jeans on, trying to think of something else to do. Dressing in drag to see what everyone's reactions would be was fun, but painful. He wondered if Mallory had gone. He hadn't heard any yelling for a while now, so he assumed the coast was clear. He opened up his linen closet before leaving the room.

Duke was sitting on the couch with Grin, who was meditating. He was really enjoying his novel, which was about a detective and a jewel thief. He snickered. This thief was an amateur. He pulled better heists when he was a teenager.

Suddenly Nosedive jumped onto the back of the couch and shouted, "I'M DUCK MAN!!!!" 

"AHHH!!!!" screamed Duke, tossing the paperback into the air in surprise. Grin jumped. Nosedive was wearing a bath towel like a cape, crouching on the back of the couch like a vulture. He lowered his eyes, staring at them. Duke was confused. He just sat still, trying to figure out what the teenager was doing. "…Kid?" he asked slowly.

"I'M DUCK MAN! DUN DUN DUN _DUUUN_!!!" Nosedive screamed again. Duke backed into the corner of the couch, as did Grin. Nosedive stared at them suspiciously again, then hopped off the couch. He ran around in circles for a few minutes singing some crazy theme song, then ran to the doorway. "Bad guys everywhere, _beware_! For DUCKMAN is coming to get you! Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun…." he cried, then ran out of the room.

Duke and Grin just stared at the door. "Oookaaay…." Was all Duke could say.

"Look out, Dragonus…" said Grin, returning to his trance. 

Nosedive was back in his bedroom. He had to admit, Duke's scream was funny. He took the towel off his shoulders and tried to think of something else to do. He glanced at his comics that were strewn across the floor. He sat down and quickly alphabetized them. Then he threw them under his bed. That wasn't fun. What to do now?

_Stupid Migrator_ thought Tanya. _Something's always wrong with it._

The Migrator wasn't functioning properly again. And of course Tanya was the one who needed to fix it. She walked over to the closet of the garage to get her apron so she could begin working.

She opened the door to see Nosedive hanging upside down making faces. She squawked and slammed the door. She stood there for a moment composing herself, then she opened the door again. Nosedive was still making faces. 

"Nosedive!" she shouted. "What are you _doing_?" 

"Seeing what it looks like to make faces while hanging upside-down!" he said happily, pointing to the mirror on the inside of the door. Tanya grabbed her apron, smacked Nosedive in the head, and slammed the door.

Nosedive flopped down on his bed. _Ok, there went an hour of fun_ he thought to himself. But he was still bored. He jumped up. _Idea!_  He grabbed the sheets off his bed and ran out the door.

"Of course, boobalah!" said Phil into his phone. "Yep! That'll work! Ok then, yep. Alright, ok, mm hmm, bye!" He hung up. "Makin' money…" he sang to himself as he shuffled papers. He was tired. All day he had been making business deals, and it was wearing him out. He started to fill out a form.

The door burst open and Nosedive jumped in. "I AM SPARTICUS!" he screamed. Phil fell back in his chair. Nosedive had a sheet wrapped around him like a toga.

"Uh…boobie…what are you…"

"SILENCE!!" screamed Nosedive, jumping onto Phil's desk. "Praise the gods for making today a grand day for all of us!" 

"Um, are you feeling ok, Nosedive?" asked Phil worriedly.

"HAIL CAESAR! EMPEROR OF ROME!!!" shouted Nosedive again. He looked down at Phil. "Foolish Mortal, I know not this 'Nosedive' of whom you speak. I AM SPARTICUS!"

Phil cowered behind his desk. Nosedive hopped down from the desk, spilling papers everywhere. He ran to the door then stopped. He turned to look at Phil. "BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!" He dashed out of the door.

Phil thought a moment. "Mighty Ducks bed sheets! We'll make a _fortune_!" He started to dial his phone.

"Yo! Toga Boy!" called Duke. 

Nosedive turned around. "The name's Sparticus, you moron," Nosedive replied.

"Whatever," said Duke. "Look, kid, I just wanted to make sure you were feeling alright."

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"I dunno, considering you're wearing a sheet…I dunno…"

Nosedive looked down at his attire. "So? I'm just bored out of my mind, that's all."

Duke nodded. "I know the feeling…"

The two Ducks stood in silence for a moment. "I have an idea, if you're interested…" said Nosedive.

"Let's hear it."

"Wildwing, have you seen Nosedive lately?" asked Grin as he entered the mess hall.

"No, why?" asked the team captain.

"His aura is…well…he's acting strange…" replied Grin.

"I agree," said Tanya. "I found him making faces in the closet mirror earlier…upside down."

"He was running around in my clothes today, too. I'm never touching them again," said Mallory.

Wildwing shrugged. "I have no idea what he's doing." 

"_Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi! You're my only hope_!!" they heard Nosedive yell. 

"Uh oh…" Tanya mumbled.

The doors opened to the mess hall and Nosedive entered, still wearing the sheet, only this time it was like a dress. His hair was done up in two buns on the side of his head like Princess Leia. He looked around the room at the other Ducks. They didn't say anything.

Nosedive proceeded to the middle of the room to look at the others face to face. "Ah, Captain Wildwing. I should have known you were behind this. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board," he said coolly.

"Um, Dive, I really think you should lie down for a while…" said Wildwing, concerned.

"Maybe we should send him to the mental asylum," suggested Tanya.

Suddenly Duke entered. He was wearing a black bucket on his head with eye holes cut out. He had big black boots on and a black cape. He was breathing very loudly.

"The Force is strong with you, young Flashblade…(loud breathing) …but you are not a Jedi _yet_…" he said with a deep voice.

"Uh oh…" said Tanya again. 

Duke started to sing Darth Vader's theme song and he approached the teenager. He pulled out his saber. When he activated it, he said, "_Jzzzzt_! _Wong_…._wooong_…." like a light saber. 

"No fair!" shouted Nosedive.

"You can't resist the power of the Dark Side!" Duke shouted.

"I never knew Darth Vader had a Brooklyn accent," whispered Wildwing.

Nosedive pulled off the sheet and ran to the counter, singing the Star Wars main theme. His hair had already fallen out of the buns (Nosedive's not a good hairdresser). He opened the drawers looking for a weapon. 

 "You're wrong, Duke Vader!" shouted Nosedive. He turned around, holding out a spatula.

"You've got to be kidding…" Duke said in his normal voice. Nosedive started to make his own light saber noises. He charged after Duke. Duke shouldered his saber and grabbed his own spatula. They started to fight.

Nosedive jumped onto the counter away from "Duke Vader". He ran to the other side and jumped off. Duke followed and attacked. Nosedive defended, and ran to the other side of the room. Mallory dodged out of the way.

            "Ok, that's it!" she shouted, grabbing her own spatula. "Ok boys, give it up," she said.

            "Ahh! It's Jabba the Hutt!" screamed Nosedive.

            "WHAT?!?" cried Mallory. "How DARE you!!" She chased after Nosedive. Duke lifted the bucket off his head and started to laugh. Mallory stopped.

            "Oh, you think that's funny?" she said, then charged after him. Duke squealed and ran for cover. Mallory ran to the other side of the counter to head him off.

            "I'll save you, Duke!" shouted Nosedive. He ran up behind Mallory and hit her with his spatula.

            "Hey! Two against one, no fair!" she cried. She hopped over the table to get away from the two guys. Nosedive was about to attack her again when a spatula hit him on the shoulder. He turned around to see Wildwing.

            "It's not very nice to gang up on Mallory like this!" he said with a smirk. Nosedive yelped. Duke came to rescue him.

            "Oh no you don't!" shouted Mallory, jumping for Duke. She tackled him and they fell to the floor. She started to smack him with her spatula.

            "Kid! Help!" he shouted to Nosedive.

            "Can't…busy!" Nosedive replied, trying to escape his older brother's grasp. Wildwing started to tickle him. Nosedive screamed in between giggles.

            "Not so cocky _now_, are you L'Orange?" Mallory asked him. Duke tried to retrieve his spatula.

            Meanwhile Tanya and Grin sat staring at the fiasco in front of them. They turned and looked at each other. Grin shrugged, and Tanya pointed towards the door. He nodded and followed her to the exit.

            "Scratch that," she said once they were safe in the hallway. "That's four for the looney house."

            "Meditation is a much more enlightened cure for boredom…" was all he could say.

THE END 

((By the way, I made up my own definition for "Spatula Wars". Hope that's ok!))


End file.
